The Pain

The Pain

 

The Pain meandered through the labyrinths of my psyche,
Lighting up its murky recesses
In shades of the deepest blue;
Emancipating my passions, sluggishly, dolorously, but ceaselessly.

It whistled and sibilated,
Penetrated, saturated, adumbrated,
Eased, and unhurriedly released
The reveries of my yesterdays and tomorrows.

In its wake I breathed
Purple gusts of labored air, while
Molds of apathy, or aversion, grew roots into my veins
Scorching my soul with flares of dying supernovas.

And then, as a final promise, it walked my funeral
Facelessly, draped in the keenest black; in a silent but tense gait.
A walk that ended with our reaching the crematorium,
When it sighed, and softly cast its dulcet shroud
Over my remains, whatever had remained.

Finally, when everyone was gone,
It came to recline beside, embracing me coyishly
In its parched and vacuous, but deathless, grip.
And I remained thus for eons, crumbling,
But holding on. Because
Its hold I find warm, secure, and
Painless.
The pain. My pain.

KNOW YOUR STRENGTHS

• According to a British study, only about one-third of people have a useful understanding of their strengths.
• If something comes easily, you may take it for granted and not identify it as a strength.
• If you are not sure, ask someone you respect who knows you well, by noticing what people compliment you on, and by thinking about what comes most easily to you.
• Strengths most closely linked to happiness are gratitude, hope, vitality, curiosity and love.
• Strengths are so important that they are worth cultivating and applying in your daily life, even if they don’t come naturally to you.

Primal Leadership: The Hidden Driver of Great Performance

An Excerpt
Tense or terrified employees can be very productive in the short term, their organizations may post good results, but they never last. Then a leader’s premier task—we would even say his primal task—is emotional leadership. A leader needs to make sure that not only is he regularly in an optimistic, authentic, high-energy mood, but also that, through his chosen actions, his followers feel and act that way, too.
The Science of Moods

A growing body of research on the human brain proves that leaders’ moods affect the emotions of the people around them. The reason for that lies in what scientists call the open-loop nature of the brain’s limbic system, our emotional center. An open-loop system depends on external sources to manage itself; we rely on connections with other people to determine our moods. A study found that 3 or more incidents of intense stress within a year (for example, serious financial trouble, being fired, or a divorce) triples the death rate in socially-isolated middle-aged men, but it has no impact on the death rate of men with many close relationships. And even though the open loop is so much a part of our lives, we usually don’t notice the process. In the office, boardroom, or shop floor; group members inevitably “catch” feelings from one another. Groups, therefore, like individuals, ride emotional roller-coasters, sharing everything from jealousy to angst to euphoria.

Smile and the World Smiles with You

Mood contagion is a real neurological phenomenon, but not all emotions spread with the same ease. A 1999 study by Sigal Barsade, Yale School of Management, showed that, among working groups, cheerfulness and warmth spread easily, while irritability caught on less so, and depression least of all.

It should come as no surprise that laughter is the most contagious of all emotions. Hearing laughter, we find it almost impossible not to laugh or smile, too. But, smiles and laughter are only contagious when they’re genuine.

Get Happy, Carefully

Good moods galvanize good performance, but it doesn’t make sense for a leader to be as chipper as a blue jay at dawn if the business is going under. The most effective executives display moods and behaviors that match the situation at hand, with a healthy dose of optimism mixed in. They respect how other people are feeling—even if it is glum or defeated—but they also model what it looks like to move forward with hope and humor.

Self-awareness, perhaps the most essential of the emotional intelligence competencies, is the ability to read your own emotions. It allows people to know their strengths and limitations and feel confident about their self-worth. Resonant leaders use it to gauge their own moods accurately, and they intuitively know how they are affecting others.

Self-management is the ability to control your emotions and act with honesty and integrity in reliable and adaptable ways. Resonant leaders don’t let their occasional bad moods seize the day; they use self-management to leave it outside the office or to explain its source to people in a reasonable manner.

Social awareness includes the key capabilities of empathy and organizational intuition. Socially aware executives do more than sense other people’s emotions – they show that they care.

Relationship management, the last of the emotional intelligence competencies, includes the abilities to communicate clearly and convincingly, disarm conflicts, and build strong personal bonds. Resonant leaders use these skills to spread their enthusiasm and solve disagreements, often with humor and kindness.

Taking Stock

The process we recommend for self-discovery and personal reinvention is based on brain science. A person’s emotional skills—the attitude and abilities with which someone approaches life and work—are not genetically hardwired, like eye color and skin tone. Even though emotional skills are partly inborn, experience plays a major role in how the genes are expressed. Research suggests that our range of emotional skills is relatively set by our mid-20s and that our accompanying behaviors are, by that time, deep-seated habits. And therein lies the rub: The more we act a certain way—be it happy, depressed, or cranky—the more the behavior becomes ingrained in our brain circuitry, and the more we will continue to feel and act that way. That’s why emotional intelligence matters so much for a leader.

The following is a five-part process is designed to rewire the brain toward more emotionally intelligent behaviors:

1. “Who do I want to be?”
2. “Who am I now?”
3. “How do I get from here to there?”
4. “How do I make change stick?”
5. “Who can help me?”

Mood over Matter

However, mood is not all that matters. Your actions are critical. And mood and actions together must resonate with the organization and with reality. Similarly, we acknowledge all the other challenges leaders must conquer—from strategy to hiring to new product development. It’s all in a long day’s work.

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Daniel Goleman is cochairman of the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations. Richard Boyatzis is chair of the department of organizational behavior at the Weatherhead School of Management. Annie McKee is on the faculty of the University of Pennsylvania, Graduate School of Education. They are the authors of Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence.

How to Listen to Someone Venting

I still remember how it felt when, as a medical student, I drained my first abscess in a patient. We called the procedure “I & D” which stands for “Incision and Drainage”.

When you do an I & D, you locate what is the most protruding and bulging part of the abscess, wipe it off with alcohol, than pierce it with a scalpel. At that point the pus comes out first, followed by any blood. After this procedure, you may put the person on an antibiotic. Over time, the wound heals from the inside out. If you don’t drain the abscess first, and just start with the antibiotics, the undrained pus may prevent the wound from healing.

Today as a practicing business psychiatrist and CEO advisor, I’ve noticed that when you’re faced with an upset customer, client, employee, shareholder, child, parent, spouse, friend, it can actually feel like they’re bulging with emotion and about to explode. Your instinctual and intuitive reaction may be to try to calm them down, urge them to cool off, suggest it’s not worth getting so upset about. And sometimes that may work. But in cases where they’re really upset, you may need to drain their emotional abscess just as you would have to do with a physical abscess. In those situations, asking them to calm down before they’ve vented will be about as useful as skipping straight to antibiotics before cleaning their wound.

And yet a lot of people don’t know how to listen to someone venting. Usually, people take one of two attitudes. Option 1 is to jump in and give advice — but this is not the same as listening, and the person doing the venting may respond with “Just listen to me! Don’t tell me what to do.” Option 2 (usually attempted after Option 1) is to swing to the other extreme, and sit there silently. But this doesn’t actively help the person doing the venting to drain their negative emotions. Consequently, it is about as rewarding as venting to your dog.

The way to listen when someone is venting is to ask them the following three questions:

1. What are you most frustrated about?

This is a good question because when you ask them about their feelings, it often sounds condescending. And if you start out focusing on their anger, it sounds as if you are coldly telling them to get a hold on themselves, which may work, but more often will just cause the pressure inside them to build up even more. However, asking them about their frustration is less judgmental and can have the same effect as sticking a scalpel into their abcess. Let them vent their feelings and when they finish, pick any of their words that had a lot of emotion attached. These can be words such as “Never,” “Screwed up,” or any other words spoken with high inflection. Then reply with, “Say more about “never” (or “screwed up,” etc.) That will help them drain even more.

2. What are you most angry about?

This is where their emotional pus drains. Again let them finish and have them go deeper by asking them, “Say more about _________ .” Don’t take issue with them or get into a debate, just know that they really need to get this off their chest — and if you listen without interrupting them, while also inviting them to say even more, they will. If you struggle to listen when someone is venting because intense negative feelings make you feel upset yourself, try this: Look them straight in the left eye (which is connected to their right emotional brain) and imagine you are looking into the eye of a hurricane, allowing whatever they’re yelling to go over your shoulders instead of hitting you straight in your eyes.

3. What are you really worried about?

This is like the blood that comes out of wound following the pus. It is as the core of their emotional wound. If you have listened and not taken issue with their frustration and anger, they will speak to you about what they’re really worried about. Again push them to go deeper by asking them: “Say more about ___________.” After they finish getting to the bottom of it, respond with, “Now I understand why you are so frustrated, angry and worried. Since we can’t turn back time, let’s put our heads together to check out your options from here. Okay?”

As I have written before, when people are upset, it matters less what you tell them than what you enable them to tell you. After they get their feelings off their chest, that’s when they can then have a constructive conversation with you. And not before.

Mark Goulston

Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. is a business psychiatrist, executive consultant, keynote speaker and co-founder of Heartfelt Leadership. He is the author of Just Listen and co-author of Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In (Amacom, 2013).

Love

Love

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

Bob Marley